Your parents’ plan for you vs your passion

I watched the series finale of Switched At Birth and it was amazing. One thing in particular stuck with me. Bay’s dad didn’t approve of her career as a tattoo artist, or so it seemed.

What parents want and how they behave

Most of us have experience this: we are passionate about something, but it doesn’tWhat parents want and how they behave follow the path our parents panned out for us. Mostly, our parents mean well, but we just see it as them blocking us from our destiny. For both parties, this is almost impossible to comprehend.

The thing is children grow up. No one can do anything to stop this from happening. Not even parents. Yet, parents will keep trying to protect their children by whatever means they deem necessary. If the child is, as the parents call it “stubborn”, this will result in many fights between the child and the parent. Some young adults may then start to rebel, which only results in more fights.

How to change this vicious cycle

It will not be easy, but there is a way to change the vicious cycle. By doing so you can achieve a healthier relationship with each other.

  • Parents and children, the first thing to do is to try to understand each other.
    If you are a parent, try to put the protectiveness aside for a while and just listen to your child. Be respectful. If you are the child, talk calmly and be open with your parents. Explain what you want and be respectful towards your parents.

    Parents and children understand each other

  • Parents do not belittle your child’s dreams.
    If a young adult is passionate about something, they most likely have already figured it out (partially) because they know how you as a parent will react. Giving advice is not a bad thing, but don’t dismiss everything your child had already worked out in his or her head.

    Parents do not belittle your child_s dreams - children have a plan

  • Children have a plan.
    Mostly, when you are passionate about something, you aren’t open to reason. If you want something badly and it doesn’t align with what your parents had in mind for you, it usually means that what you want is “out of the box”. This isn’t a bad thing, but explain to your parents exactly what your plan is, so that they don’t have to worry about you as much.

Dealing with a self-destructive person

I was recently in a situation where I wanted to help someone who was being self-destructive and couldn’t see it. The fact that I wanted to help became a much bigger problem, because the person then accused me of being “limiting”.

How to deal with a self-destructive person

After this happened I googled how to deal with a destructive person and found some do’s and don’ts.

The article I read suggests that you should:

  • Let the person know you love him/her;
  • Let the person know that you understand the struggle and how challenging it can feel to let go of something that they experience as helpful;
  • Tell them that they deserve support, rather than tell them that what they’re doing is wrong;
  • Communicate that you believe that they can find new ways to cope with whatever the underlying issue for the destructive behavior is;
  • Be clear that it’s not your problem to fix;
  • Realize that you don’t have the power to change them;
  • Learn how to set and hold appropriate boundaries;
  • Know that you have the right to end a friendship/relationship when it’s abusive, unfulfilling, one sided or when the person adamantly refuses to get the help they need to be healthy.

What I think of the suggested ways of dealing with a self-destructive person

This is all great advice, but I personally find it difficult to just “let go” of the feeling that I need to help the person. You can tell them that you understand all you want, but in the end if you’re honest to yourself and the person, you (usually) do not understand why someone is being destructive. Furthermore, you might get the thought “I can’t go on like this, because all I want to do is help and you’re pushing me away for this/ you’re getting angry at me for this” and actually communicate this to him/her and it gets interpreted as you not caring about them. This is because they only heard the part “I can’t go on like this”.

An extreme example: When someone I care about, holds a gun to his/her head, I think it’s only logic that I jump in and stop him/her or that I at least take away the gun.
I can’t just stand by, keep smiling and watch him/her destroy him/herself even if he/she thinks that the gun isn’t loaded, for example…

Prince on the white horse or bad boy

I came across a statement: “the prince on the white horse does not exist, because women like bad boys”. Of course when you read a statement, you immediately have an opinion on the matter, whether you utter it or not. I am not for nor am I against this statement, yet I do have an opinion about it.

the-definition-of-a-prince-on-a-white-horseThe definition of a prince on a white horse

Before I can tell you my opinion about this statement, I find it important to define the terms used in the statement. The first one I’d like to discuss is “the prince on a white horse”. This in my opinion refers to the fairy tale prince. The one you see in Cinderella or Snow White, for example. Or in normal people’s terms, it can refer to the perfect man.

The definition of a bad boy

This definition is a bit trickier, because there are different opinions about what a bad boy is exactly. Some definitions could be:

  • A guy who dates multiple women at the same time;
  • A guy who hits women;
  • A guy who doesn’t care about rules;
  • A guy who lives life on the edge;
  • A dominating guy;
  • A guy who is a combination of all or some of the points mentioned above.

the-definition-of-a-bad-boy

Do princes on white horses still exist?

Many women nowadays say that “gentlemen” are a dying breed. This concludes that princes on white horses are also a dying breed. I disagree because of the following reason: what a perfect man is to me can be the definition of a horrible man to another woman. Even though I think perfection is overrated, opinions vary, and that’s a good thing, because otherwise if you find “the perfect man” all your friends would try and steal him from you.

I think that if we look at my definition of a prince on a white horse (the man that is perfect according to your individual standards) then we can conclude that any man has the potential to be “a prince on a white horse”.

Do women really like bad boys?

do-women-really-like-bad-boysIn general, most women do like a man who is (slightly) dominating, because it makes them feel like a real woman who has a strong man beside her. In addition, most women don’t like “boring” men, so they might fall for a man who takes risks or as described above “lives life on the edge”.

This is why I say that a bad boy can easily be your prince on the white horse. Because not because he takes risks or because he is a bit bossy it means that he doesn’t love you or that he won’t do everything in his power to make you feel special.

Choose wisely though and if you see that you like the bad kind of “bad boy”, edit your standards to a better man/husband or potential father of your children.

The social acceptance of the LGBT community in Suriname

A good friend of mine asked me to write about a subject with a bigger social impact. She gave me some examples and I decided to write about the social acceptance of the LGBT community in Suriname. Since I don’t have much information on this subject, I did some research.

LGBT in Suriname accepted or not?

Most people know that the LGBT community in Suriname is growing each year, because more and more people are cominglgbt-in-suriname-accepted-or-not “out of the closet”. I think that this is proof that more people are becoming open minded about this.

Yet, as I read in an article about the church’s opinion there is still a large group that does not accept the LGBT community in Suriname. This is understandable, in my opinion, because the church teaches that a woman is made for a man and there are no variations on the rule. So obviously, they have a problem with male-male or female-female relationships.

Varying opinions

The coming out week in Suriname was held in October this year. In an interview, they asked some people if they consider LGBT rights as human rights. The opinions varied from “yeah, I guess so” to “well, they are people but they do not have the same rights as ‘normal people’” and even “hell no, that’s just not right”.

varying-opinions-lgbt-rights

I say, everyone is entitled to have an opinion. I personally think we should all just respect each other. Whether we’re straight, gay, bisexual or anything else. If you don’t like a certain group, that’s fine. Then stay out of their way as they will most likely stay out of yours too. We’re all people and we need to stop the hate in the world if we want a better future for our children and if we’re lucky, we may just live to see the day when the world is a better place.

What if your partner doesn’t put as much effort into the relationship as you do or you want different things?

I was watching the TV show “Friends”. In one of the episodes Phoebe and Mike broke up because Mike never wanted to get married again and Phoebe did want a marriage someday. I started thinking: it often happens that people who are in a relationship sometimes don’t want the same things. At the same time, even if they do want the same things, the effort is often not the same.

What do you do when your partner doesn’t put as much effort into the relationship as you do?

This is a good question, if you ask me. Some people would say that if you put more effort into your relationship than your partner, you should split up. Or that you should make your partner jealous so he/she feels how much their life would suck without you in it. Obviously, this is the negative approach. A more optimistic or hopeful approach would be to think that maybe your partner isn’t as good at showing his/her feelings as you are. Perhaps your partner loves you even more than you love him/her, but you can just show it better. In my opinion, that’s a lame excuse.

what-do-you-do-when-your-partner-doesnt-put-as-much-effort-into-the-relationship-as-you-do

It doesn’t take much to show a person that you care about him/her. If you can’t write poetry or you don’t have the money to spoil your significant other, you could, for example:

  • Go to his/her workplace or home and just surprise him/her;
  • Alternatively, you pick a flower from your (neighbor’s) garden and you bring it to him/her;
  • Maybe you just plan a romantic dinner with candlelight or a movie night for the two of you so you can just be close to each other.

People often think that it’s the big things that matter, when in fact the little things make a big difference.

there-is-no-such-thing-as-the-right-momentIf you’re waiting for the right moment to do something, let me tell you something: there is no such thing as the right moment. Not to be negative, but who says you’ll even be alive tomorrow? Do the little things. Show your partner every day that you love him/her. This could be as simple as writing a text message saying “good morning beautiful” or “you are the light of my day”. If you don’t know what to write/say, Google “romantic stuff to say to your significant other. Trust me, you’ll find a lot of examples.

Don’t wait for the right moment, the right amount of money or the right anything. Show how you feel now. Don’t just say “I love you” but truly let the person feel that you mean it!

What if the effort is there but you want different things?

This question is what actually got me started with this blog, so of course I should also address it. If you want different things, I think there are three options:what-if-the-effort-is-there-but-you-want-different-things

  • Take it as it is and see if one of the partners eventually changes his/her mind;
  • Talk about it and try to see where you can compromise;
  • Accept that it will never change and break up.

I can’t tell you which of these is the best alternative for your relationship, because every situation is different. However, I think communication is very important and if you really love each other, you might be able to reach a compromise.

My thoughts on the movie “Broken Vows”

I recently saw the movie “Broken Vows”. I hadn’t watched the trailer before watching the movie, so I didn’t know what to expect. Obviously, based on the name of the movie, I had a hunch what it would be about. I thought one or both partners, who were married to each other, cheated. When the movie started and I saw the woman washing off the blood of the ring, I thought, “Oh, so the husband must’ve cheated and the wife killed him.” However, as the movie was playing, it became clear that there was an entirely different storyline than I anticipated.

Homewrecker and revenge?

homewrecker-and-revenge-broken-vows-2016In the beginning of the movie, Tara is in a club or bar with her friends. A waitress walks over and Tara and her friends are pretty rude to her. One of Tara’s friends says, “that waitress looks just like the homewrecker”. So obviously, I’m thinking a woman who looks like that slept with Michael, Tara’s husband, and that’s why she killed him. As Tara starts flirting with Patrick, I think that’s a way to get over her husband who she killed. It turns out that one part of my hunch is correct, because Tara is flirting to get back at Michael, only in that part of the storyline, nothing bloody has happened yet.

Bad advice from friends

Tara eventually goes back to her friends and they have a fun night. When she’s outside, her friends see Patrick the bartender standing outside. They encourage her to talk to him. She doesn’t want to but they tell her that she was already talking to him anyway so she should do so again. In my opinion, if your friends know you’re engaged they shouldn’t encourage you to go talk to a “hot guy”, knowing it can lead to you cheating. So either these are bad friends, or they just give bad advice…

bad-advice-from-friends-broken-vows-2016

Psycho in love

Patrick hears the girls talking and walks over to Tara. He doesn’t ask for her number but just takes her phone and dials his number so he has her number and she has his. Some would say this is dominant male behavior, but I honestly think that’s creepy. Anyway, the story plays out, eventually Patrick sleeps with Tara, she realizes she made a huge mistake and wants to leave. Patrick tells her that he thinks she’s special and shows her that he tattooed her name on his arm. She, as a sane person, thinks this is psycho behavior and leaves. She accidentally leaves her phone behind and that’s where the psycho in Patrick starts coming out. He goes to her hometown and stalks her, even though he found out by then that she is engaged to Michael.

psycho-in-love-broken-vows-2016

My thoughts

Tara made a big mistake cheating on Michael. Even though he did the same, it doesn’t make it right to also cheat. If you don’t want to be with the person anymore and you can’t forgive them for what they did, break up. Don’t try to hurt them in the same way they hurt you. In doing so, you’re hurting your significant other but at the same time, you lose all of your self-respect, because now you’re no better than the person who hurt you in the first place. Tara got to know that the hard way, because a lot of bad things followed after her “slip-up”. Although this is only a movie, these things can actually happen in real life too, because there are psycho’s out there and from looking at a person, you usually can’t tell when they’re psycho or not. And even if they aren’t you’ll lose all your self-respect if you do something like this…

The movie itself is worth watching though. It’s a pretty interesting storyline…

Falling in love or being in love with the theory of love

I read a text on Facebook about actually falling in love and being in love with the theory of love. I have mixed emotions about this. To be specific, the text said:

Everyone wants to fall in love. But I think more people are in love with the theory of love. If you’re looking in from the outside, it looks so beautiful. On the inside, it’s scary because it can take over your life. It’s the strongest emotion but also the darkest. It can put you on a high for days, but it can wrap an anchor around your feet and drown you in less than a minute.

The good things about actually being in love

While reading this, I concluded that someone has hurt the author of this text, Calia Read. Because real love is actually a thing of beauty. Now, I’m not saying there won’t be fights and drama, but if the love is real and strong and comes from both sides, you can work through those issues. With good communication, it doesn’t have to feel like an anchor around your feet that will the-good-things-about-actually-being-in-lovedrag you down. If the love is real, then after a fight, when you’re both calm again, you can look each other in the eyes and feel the “butterflies” again. This is metaphorically speaking of course, but you get my point.

At the same time, when there are no fights and you are in love, you feel a “happy bonus”. Yes, I purposely did not say that you feel “complete” because from what I’ve learned in life, you should be complete by yourself. Finding someone who loves you is an added bonus. Like the text suggests, this added bonus can put you on a high for days. That part I completely agree with.

The bad things about being in love

My title to this part is actually wrong. It’s not the bad thing about being in love, it’s being in love with the wrong person. Because if the person is wrong for you, this will feel like you’re drowning. There are actually many ways in which someone can be wrong for you, The-bad-things-about-being-in-lovesuch as (s)he’s married or already spoken for, (s)he doesn’t want to “do the relationship thing” at the moment, (s)he doesn’t love you back… There are more examples, but I think you know in which direction I’m going with this. So when you’re in love with the wrong person, this will definitely hurt you.

There is a very small (like 0,01%) chance that it still works with someone who is wrong for you, but that means that either you will have to revise your expectations (for example be willing to “share” him/her with his/her wife/husband or willing to wait till they’re ready for a relationship etc.). This is all just hopeful thinking and can actually ruin your life.

To love or not to love, that is the question

Love is a beautiful thing if handled correctly. So my advice would be: LOVE!

You may get hurt in the process, you may fall in love with the wrong person, you may even fall in love with the right person (at that moment) and still have your heart broken, but once you find your true real love, you will feel and see the beauty of it all. And then all the heartbreaks will just have been lessons for your true “forever”.

to-love-or-not-to-love-that-is-the-question

Note: your true real love may not be your “physical type” at all. When you feel the trueness of the love, you will know though. Have faith in that.

The do’s and don’ts of a successful friendship with your ex

I read an article (in Dutch) about whether or not it is possible to stay friends with your ex. The article suggests that theoretically this is possible but that in reality this usually doesn’t happen. I guess it is pretty difficult to just be friends with someone for whom you felt real love at some point. However, if both parties are willing, I think a friendship can actually work.

Things you need to consider

If the two concerning parties have a good understanding of what is or isn’t acceptable, I believe a friendship can work. In this case you have to think of the following:

  • Do I still have strong feelings for him/her?
  • How will it make me feel if I see him/her with someone else?
  • Am I trying to get back together with him/her?
  • Do I (still) have sexual urges towards him/her?

Strong feelings for your ex

If you still have strong feelings for your ex, a friendship will most definitely not work out. I say “strong” feelings, because I think that if you really had a love connection with someone, you will always have some feelings for that person.

Negative emotions at the thought of seeing your ex with someone elseIf you’re over them then you can cope with the feelings that are left and still make rational decisions. On the other hand, if you still have strong feelings for this person, you might do something stupid like try to sabotage their new relationship. This is why you should evaluate your own feelings first.

Negative emotions at the thought of seeing your ex with someone else

Now, if you’re sure that you don’t have strong feelings for your ex anymore, you need to consider how you will feel if you see him/her with someone else. If the thought of seeing your ex with someone else scares you, makes you nauseous or just makes you angry, do not try to be friends with him/her.

Trying to get back together with your ex

Trying to get back together with your ex by befriending him/her is the worst idea ever, especially if he/she doesn’t know that this is your ultimate goal. I say this because if you befriend someone, in this case your ex, they may tell you things in confidence. For example, they tell you what a potential new partner did wrong. You will obviously use this information to your advantage. When your ex finds out, he/she will feel betrayed and you can kiss getting back together goodbye.

What if the sexual urges towards your ex are still present?

Let’s say you’ve past the first three tests: you do not have strong feelings for your ex, seeing him/her with someone else would not have a negative impact on you and you are sure that you’ve accepted the situation and are not trying to get back together with him/her. In this case you also need to evaluate if you still have sexual urges towards him/her. This is important because the line between friends and friends with benefits is thin. Yet, being friends with someone usually means a lot more than being friends with benefits.

sexual urges towards your ex are still present

If you still have sexual urges towards your ex, you may be tempted to make a move on him/her again. If he/she denies you access, this will open a whole new wound in your ego (and heart). At the same time if you and your ex hang out, he/she gets intoxicated, and you take advantage of that, your ex may never trust you again. Then you can say goodbye to the friendship as well.

So how can it work?

In my opinion being friends with your ex isn’t easy, but it is possible if:

  • Friends with your ex succesfullyBoth people are aware of each other’s intentions
  • You don’t have a problem with the points mentioned above
  • You both just want the other person to be happy, even if it’s with someone else.

Important notes

Take into consideration that being friends with an ex may be awkward at first. You don’t know how to react to certain situations or what to say to certain points. Nevertheless, the awkwardness does go away eventually if you can genuinely just be friends.

In addition, it is possible that while being friends you’re your ex, some feelings may come back. Know how to deal with these and make them discussable.

Remember that your new partner may not be too thrilled to know that you’re still hanging out with your ex. They may feel threatened, but with good communication, it is possible to make him/her understand the situation. If he/she doesn’t you need to think about what means more to you: your friendship with your ex or your new relationship. Choose wisely.

How to deal after a breakup with someone you loved a lot

I recently read a few breakup texts on Facebook and two of those caught my attention. I read them both again and think that they are follow-ups of each other…

The first part of losing someone

The first one, which in my opinion, points to right after a breakup said:

Losing you changed me. I’ve been quiet and quick-tempered. And when I’m shown concern I’m blunt or allusive. I avoid my friends. Drink too much. And I don’t recall when I last felt moved by someone. I lost you. That I understood. I just didn’t think I’d lose me too.

The first part of losing someone

This is something most of us will not (want to) admit. Of course, I can’t say that this happens after every breakup, but if you really loved the person, there’s a big possibility that this has happened to you as well.

It’s just how you look at it, I suppose. Because some of us may not agree to having lost ourselves, but we do deal with breakups in a very similar way: we push other people away, we drink a lot, we don’t feel anything for anyone else/ we feel empty. All of this points to losing yourself as a person, whether you’d like to admit it or not.

After having found yourself again

The next text I read, in my opinion, is the “next chapter of your breakup story”. This is the part where you feel stronger and think that you have found yourself again. This text said:

If we ever meet again it will be as strangers. You haven’t met this new me; the way my eyes view the world has changed, the way they see you has as well. You won’t recognize this new look, or the reflection. I’m a different animal now. One of the greatest things about this transformation: I no longer give a f@#k what I look like to you.

After having found yourself againAlthough this one points to having moved on already, I still feel that the way it is phrased points to the person still holding on to the past. The whole speech is fine and empowering, talking about having transformed, etc. except for the last sentence. That part refers to not caring what the ex thinks, but the fact that it has to be written down, points to actually still caring. At least, in my opinion…

So how do we deal?

I think that if we go through a breakup with someone we really loved something inside of us will definitely (temporarily) change. This does not mean that we have to stay broken/changed. We can find ourselves again and rebuild the pieces to become whole once wall around your heartmore.

Just promise yourself this: “Even if I’ve been hurt/ lied to/ cheated on (or whatever) I will not build a wall around my heart.” Because in building that wall around your heart, you’re also preventing someone who does want to do good by you and actually love you, from getting in. Then you will stay alone, wondering why you’re not loved/good enough, when in truth you are priceless and someone who sees that value does try to love you right.

People lie…

If you were raised to be a good person, your parents/caretakers probably taught you never to lie. Even when you grow up, people are always shocked, disappointed or angry when they find out you lie. So why do we do it?

How lying starts

As a kid you try to be obedient and in this case not to lie. Then life happens… you bump into your mom’s favorite vase, for example. You know that she’ll be furious when she finds out and you’ll get punished for it. So to save yourself, you blame it on your little brother or sister who can’t defend himself/herself yet, so he/she gets punished for it.

How lying starts

Just don’t get caught

Even though we were taught not to lie, eventually life teaches us that lying is ok – as long as you don’t get caught. Getting caught has consequences, we all know that. So if we’re trying to still be good people, we do lie, but we try our hardest not to get caught.

Why lieWhy lie?

If we all know lying is bad, why do we do it? In my opinion, there are a few main reasons why people lie:

  • They’re afraid of the (negative) consequences their actions will have for themselves
  • They don’t want their actions to hurt the people they love
  • They feel like they’re pushed in that direction
  • They’re chronical liars.

The whys explained

  • Chronical liars

In most cases, (good) people are not chronical liars. You won’t easily meet people who lie for this reason, because that would mean that they’re psychopaths.

The three first reasons for lying are a lot more common.

  • Lying because you are afraid of the consequences of your actions

Being afraid of the consequences of your actions is a selfish reason for lying. Because if you know what you’re doing will have bad consequences, you just shouldn’t do whatever it is you are doing.

  • Lying to not hurt the people you love

Not wanting to hurt the people you love is less selfish, but still bad. For example being fired from your job and not telling your wife about it because you don’t want her to worry. This form of lying is bad because the truth always comes out eventually. The person you were trying to protect by lying, then gets even more hurt.

  • Lying because you feel pushed into doing so

Lying because you feel pushed into doing so

This form of lying has many similarities with lying because you are afraid of the consequences. Yet there is a difference. People who lie because they feel like they’re pushed into it are often people in abusive relationships or situations. Instead of lying because they know they’ve done something wrong, these people lie because they know that even though there is nothing wrong with what they’ve done, they might get punished (emotionally or physically) for it anyway. For example a woman in an abusive relationship is living together with her man. He goes on a business trip and she wants to have a girls’ night out. She makes the plans and goes out. Her man calls her, can’t reach her and jumps to conclusions like “you’re cheating on me”. The woman knows her man will get angry about the girls’ night out as well, so she lies and says her phone was off.

My opinion about the reasons why people lie

In my opinion, although “lying because you feel like you are pushed into doing so” is the most valid reason for lying, people Just let go don't liein abusive relationships or situations just need to let go. Don’t stay in a relationship that’s bad for you, cut off friends who have a negative impact on you and cut communications with abusive family members. If work is bad, find another job, etc.

Life is too short to have to lie to be happy. Find your own happiness, love yourself and have people around you who love you for who you are so you don’t ever feel the need to lie.